A little over two weeks ago, I finally caved and deciding to start taking a daily antidepressant. After many years of talk therapy and a vicious cycle of symptoms that always found a way to latch on, a psychiatrist diagnosed me with major depression and anxiety, advising me to take 10mg of Prozac every morning if/when I was ready. I had my doubts and concerns, but nothing outweighed the pain I was feeling inside. I could feel myself wasting away.
The first morning I took my new medication, I thought maybe I had felt something. A subtle shift. I couldn’t tell if it was just in my head and honestly, I didn’t care. Placebo or not, I felt lighter on my feet that day. The more I adjusted to this new solution, the more I noticed the benefits. I started to feel like I returned to my version of functional again. Things that crippled me with anxiety normally were much easier to overcome, from driving to zoom calls for work and everything in between. I even found myself organizing daily tasks more easily and enjoying the little things like cooking and reading again. Now I’m beginning to notice that my relationships have grown stronger because I’m less irritable and self-focused overall. It’s like there’s a whole new space in my brain and heart to pull from where my depression used to be. I have more to give.
I am in no way a licensed professional or advocate for medication. It’s a personal choice that requires a lot of research and guidance from experts. I just wanted to share my story because I think this could be one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. I can’t remember the last time I felt more like I could come out of all of this okay, like I’m putting in the work to make real change and progress. It’s not like Prozac has eliminated any of my problems or trauma and made me magically happier. All it’s done is lifted the fog so that I can see things more clearly and start tackling my issues head-on. I used to just sleep them away or cave under the weight of it all. It’s like this new combination of talk therapy with a therapist I trust and medication has woken me up, opened my eyes to why I’ve been suffering cyclically for so many years. It hasn’t been easy. I’m unpacking things I’ve repressed and grieving in ways that I needed to. It’s a lot of work.
Everyone’s mental health journey is so unique and complicated. Looking back, I never would have believed how much psychology, healing and self-improvement would play a role in my life and creative work. I was embarrassed initially to share this new part of my life but realized quickly that I’d be doing a disservice to anyone who’s read any of the pieces on my blog about mental health and could see their suffering reflected in mine. I couldn’t just omit this new addition. It’s the truth, and it’s part of the process. Who knows? In a month or two, I could pivot completely and decide it’s not working. For now, I’m just happy to be in a place where I’m seeing possibilities ahead instead of dead ends. It doesn’t feel pointless to keep trying. It feels like hope.